I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
