i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Why did my mother make you get naked?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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