I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
