Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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