When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
