The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
