Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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