Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
