Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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