that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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