I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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