I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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