if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
