that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
