I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
