I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
