Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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