my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
