My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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