its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
