i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
