This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
