I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
