so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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