Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
