Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
