Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
