My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize