Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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