His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
