I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
