Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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