the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize