I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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