just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
