Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
