I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just googled if crying burns calories
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
