Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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