I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
