this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
