she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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