I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
