Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize