i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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