Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
where does the pee come out of this thing
you told grandpa to call you daddy
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
