I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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