So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
