He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
