I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize