She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize