Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
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