have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
