my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize