i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
