I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
