I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
