i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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