dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Your penis caused this!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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