I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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