i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize