i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
