I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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